Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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