i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
