he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
