thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
