Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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