dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
