By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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