Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
