If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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