i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
