On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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