You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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