apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
