Did you just see the Batmobile???
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
