I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well I just put wine in my tea
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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