He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
