Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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