I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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