its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dignity is for republicans.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
