If i come over, it means nothing
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
