I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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