you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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