I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
