Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
