and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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