its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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