I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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