I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
