You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
