eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I intend to get homeless drunk
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
