He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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