Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When are your genitals available?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
