Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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