I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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