remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
