i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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