I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
