Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize
