I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
