last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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