Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
