textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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