just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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