You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
