I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
