1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
