They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
