you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
