3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
