I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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