Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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