oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Randomize
