Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
