Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
